Archive for June, 2013

29
Jun
13

I really don’t

I hope that

You

Are happier

In his arms,

But really,

I don’t.

I hope that

He makes

You

Feel the way

You once said

I did,

But really,

I don’t.

I hope that

The two of you

Share

And discuss music

As easily as we

Did,

But really,

I don’t.

I hope that

When you lie

There

In bed

Together,

That you feel

The same way

We once did-

The same breathless exhaustion,

The same sweaty satisfaction,

The same tearful joy,

The same excited desire…

But really, really

I don’t.

I want to wish

You

The best,

But really,

I can’t.

I want to

Stop

Feeling like this,

But so far

I haven’t.

I want to

Let you go

As easily

As you

Left me

Behind,

But I really can’t-

I can’t,

I haven’t,

I don’t know

If I ever will.

I really don’t.

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 29, 2013

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27
Jun
13

I see

I see

That you are

Gone

On your way-

Looking happy,

I noticed.

No really,

You look great

Together.

Perfect fit.

So much more

Than I

Was able to be,

Or could be,

Or will be

Ever, now.

It’s been coming,

I knew that-

You were clear-

So why does this hurt

Like a kick

In the gut

Still?

Why,

Silly me,

Do I feel

Betrayed?

I guess

Maybe I am

“Melodramatic”

After all.

Maybe I was

The only one

Left

With emotional

Shrapnel

And a long recovery

Ahead.

I just didn’t see it

Then,

But I see it

Now-

I see you

Now,

Looking so happy-

Happier

Than I could make you.

In the end

You win

Again-

Good for you.

Maybe I was

Wrong

After all,

I just didn’t see it coming.

You know

That I choose

Not to live

With “regret”-

You know

I hate the word,

But now

I have to

Search deep inside

To find the strength

Not to regret so many things-

Especially these tears.

These tears, in particular, I regret the most.

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 27, 2013

27
Jun
13

Broken

I want

All of you,

But I only ever had

Part of you,

And was happier

Then

Than I am

Now-

And I can’t  even

Have part

Of you

Anymore.

“It’s broken,

We’re broken…”

And I can’t unbreak

Anything.

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 27, 2013

26
Jun
13

I want to believe

It isn’t that

You don’t care,

I don’t doubt that

You do,

But you don’t want to

Know

The truth

Of what I’m going through.

Just like me,

You want

To believe

Whatever fairytale

You have to

Tell yourself

To get through each day.

I alternate

Between needing

To believe

That you are unhappy and miss me,

And needing you

To be happily in somebody else’s arms

And bed-

Just so that I will let it die

Once and for all.

I don’t doubt you care,

But you don’t

Want to see these tears

And fully understand

My struggle.

It would make you sad

And we’ve talked so many times

About how you don’t want to be sad,

So the sadness

Is all mine.

I want to believe

That I want you

To be

Happier than me,

But I’m not

Sure that I can

Let go long enough

To let that happen.

I haven’t yet anyway,

Even though I’ve tried.

I really have tried .

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 26, 2013

25
Jun
13

Every death hurts

Every death hurts,

But especially

The death

Of you

And I,

Ironically,

Even without a “you and I”.

We were never

“We”

To begin with,

But

We were

Us-

Broken and lonely

Together.

But not anymore,

So I mourn

This death

In a vacuum

Of my own making-

Watching you live

And knowing

“We” are dead.

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 25, 2013

24
Jun
13

I want to pretend

I loved you

Once

Too much,

And now

I just hurt

Too much

For having loved

At all-

Knowing the risk,

And throwing it aside,

Like a fool

Throws caution

To the wind,

Like a child

Embraces a fairy tale

As truth.

So now

The tears are mine

Alone,

Secrets

For my solitary sadness.

You looked

Good

Today,

So I fled

Before

You could see

Me crumble-

My strength

Doesn’t yet exist

With you near.

I want

To pretend

I’m happy

For you,

But it’s just a lie that I can’t keep giving life to anymore-

I’m not happy

For either of us.

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 24, 2013

17
Jun
13

Incomprehensible

The feelings

Are

Incomprehensible-

The emotions

Are not

Mine

To have,

But I have them,

And they have

Consumed me.

Thought of you,

Again,

When I shouldn’t

Have,

And it ruined me

Again.

Knowing that

You’re gone

Isn’t enough

To force me

To accept reality

Yet.

Still searching

For answers

To all of this,

Knowing

That I am unwilling

To listen to them.

Not a thing,

Not a place,

Not a song

That doesn’t remind me

Of you-

Incomprehensibly

Stuck here.

 

Timothy Vance Jackson

June 17, 2013

 




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