18
Jan
09

Fear

There are moments when I am stricken by this unwarranted paranoid fear that my daughter’s mother will try to take her away from me and somehow keep me from being able to see her ever again and at first my daughter wants to be back with me and cries that she misses me and then over time she begins to believe that it was I who left her and not that she was taken from me and so begins to develop a shell of hatred and anger for me that is fostered and encouraged to grow, all the while I continue to fight to get back into her life and continue to fail, becoming more and more entangled in the battle, yet still unable to even see her for a day or an hour or a moment, and my daughter grows more and more distant emotionally and no longer wishes to see me or want to be a part of my life as much as I try and try and try to get messages to her that I love her and miss her and need her and want to be a part of her world as she grows and learns and lives and eventually even loves on her own, not knowing that I am spending each and every moment of my life trying to get to her to reach her and to hold her even just one more time.

That

Unfounded fear,

Wakens me

In the darkness

Of night,

Causing me

To startle

From my uneasy

Sleep-

Breathless

And frightened,

With rushing

Heartbeat.

I don’t

Really

Fear

My ex-wife,

But I fear

Fear.

The terror

Of the thought

Has

Found me

Crying

Into my pillow

When I wake.

There

Is no fear

Greater

Than this one.

There is nothing

More terrifying

To me

Than that loss-

Nothing.

Timothy Vance Jackson

1/17/2009

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