Archive for January, 2009

26
Jan
09

In the morning

Tucked in

Underneath her blanket,

My seven year old daughter

Sleeps-

With grunts and snorts

And the sound

Of grinding teeth.

It seems so unlikely

That she should

Be able

To sleep

With all that

Motion and sound,

But she does.

She sleeps that sleep

That only

A child can

Ever know-

That sleep

Of dreams

And far away places,

Of fictional

Fears.

Each night

Before I tuck myself

Into my own bed,

I go into

Her room

And kiss her

Cheek or forehead,

Brush her hair

Out of her mouth

And pull the blanket

Back up

To her chin.

Then I climb

Into my bed

And pray

That she will sleep peacefully

And wake

To kiss my cheek

In the morning.

Timothy Vance Jackson

January 25, 2009

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18
Jan
09

Fear

There are moments when I am stricken by this unwarranted paranoid fear that my daughter’s mother will try to take her away from me and somehow keep me from being able to see her ever again and at first my daughter wants to be back with me and cries that she misses me and then over time she begins to believe that it was I who left her and not that she was taken from me and so begins to develop a shell of hatred and anger for me that is fostered and encouraged to grow, all the while I continue to fight to get back into her life and continue to fail, becoming more and more entangled in the battle, yet still unable to even see her for a day or an hour or a moment, and my daughter grows more and more distant emotionally and no longer wishes to see me or want to be a part of my life as much as I try and try and try to get messages to her that I love her and miss her and need her and want to be a part of her world as she grows and learns and lives and eventually even loves on her own, not knowing that I am spending each and every moment of my life trying to get to her to reach her and to hold her even just one more time.

That

Unfounded fear,

Wakens me

In the darkness

Of night,

Causing me

To startle

From my uneasy

Sleep-

Breathless

And frightened,

With rushing

Heartbeat.

I don’t

Really

Fear

My ex-wife,

But I fear

Fear.

The terror

Of the thought

Has

Found me

Crying

Into my pillow

When I wake.

There

Is no fear

Greater

Than this one.

There is nothing

More terrifying

To me

Than that loss-

Nothing.

Timothy Vance Jackson

1/17/2009

04
Jan
09

Irrational

I try

Not

To let rational

Interfere

With emotional.

It’s never worked

For me

Before

And isn’t likely

To start

Now.

I read it

Somewhere

Before,

That a healthy dose

Of crazy

Is good for us-

Keeps the mundane

At arm’s length

And reminds us

That living

Requires risk

And a small amount

Of fear.

I stopped

The metaphorical

Juggling

Of loaded handguns

Long ago,

But I still

Juggle

The emotions

Of fear

And joy

And love

And hope

With my eyes closed,

Walking a tightrope

Without a net

And no idea

Of where safety

Waits for me-

If at all.

Life requires living.

Timothy Vance Jackson

01/03/09

04
Jan
09

untitled 01/03/09

Part of me

Has

Developed this

Paranoid fear

Of things

Falling apart

As soon as they

Begin

To feel right

And I begin to

Relax

A little.

It isn’t like the fear is unjustified

In some

Regards.

The track record

Of broken dreams

And broken relationships

And busted marriages

Warrants fear-

If not

A complete surrender

Of hope.

Yet,

Scarred

And scared,

With remaining bruises,

I find a way

To allow the paranoia

Of hope

Back into my life.

With each kiss

Or clasping of hands,

The fear

Creeps in

And my Pisces heart

Wants

To run crying

For the exits,

But my feet stay

Planted

And ready

To try again

Just one more time.

That Piscean hope is never dead,

The wistful dreaminess

Of romance

And delirious emotions,

Always

Just below

The scales.

Timothy Vance Jackson

01/03/09




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