13
Dec
08

untitled 12/12/2008

Even though

I have a

New love

In my life

Now,

This time of year

Continues

To be

One

That I can not say

I embrace

With open arms and a warm heart.

A year ago,

During this holiday

Time,

I felt as though

I

Was approaching my unraveling

Point

And that I might

Never

Find the bottom of the lowest point in my life.

Now

I have

A great new

Love

And my daughter

Is

More than I ever dreamed

Possible.

Still,

This lingering melancholy

Follows me

In perpetual haunting.

Holiday gatherings become

A fog

Of not-quite unhappiness

And not-quite happiness-

Some kind of half step between a smile and a blank stare.

Fun is not

Impossible

And I do not

Sit alone and weep

Or seek the solitude

Of the quieter bar

On the other side of the restaurant.

I sit,

I smile,

I clap,

I laugh,

I talk,

I share

And

I leave

Feeling something slightly more than nothing

And too much.

It has less to do

With the voices

In my head

And more to do with a lack of

Voices

Saying how happy they are

To be

Inside my head.

The childhood joy

That

Filled my world

All the way until

Early adulthood,

Has eroded away

And morphed into something

Other-

Into this.

Tomorrow

Is the day

My daughter and I

Will

Go get our Christmas tree

And I will

Be

Happy to be with her

As she skips

And smiles

And sings

All the songs

About Christmas

That she knows

Even a few words from,

And then

That happiness will wane

After she has gone to bed

And I sip a Scotch

While reading through emails that mean less to me

Now

Than they will a month from now.

Maybe one day

The smile will return

And stay longer

Than just while the camera is pointed at my face

Timothy Vance Jackson

12/12/2008

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2 Responses to “untitled 12/12/2008”


  1. December 13, 2008 at 8:40 AM

    Tim,

    I just discover this… wow! Beautiful and touching! : )

  2. December 13, 2008 at 8:43 AM

    Thank you Luc. It’s a work in progress- an attempt to reconnect to this part of my life and the “work” that I have always loved.

    Glad to see your face here.


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